How to overcome Depression and Self-hate

I am not an expert, but I struggled with depression and self-hate for many years in the past.  I recently came across a forum post about depression.  This person was suffering, considering suicide and reaching out to the internet for support.  Many others admitted to feeling the same way as the original poster and did their best to offer helpful suggestions.  But as the ancient story goes "Can one blind person guide anther?  Surely both will fall into a pit." Those who are currently struggling with depression and self-hate themselves do not give the best advice.  The following suggestions are based on my own experience with overcoming self-hate and depression.

Suggestion #1 - Watch what you eat

No, I'm not talking about food!

The world tries its best to drag you down.  If you're struggling with self-hate, I'm betting the phrase "watch what you eat," immediately conjured up thoughts about all things you don't like about your body.  Society tries to make us focus on the wrong thing so we'll be too distracted to think about the things that actually matter.  By getting people to obsess about their appearance, they can be sure to make a profit selling makeup, diet pills, overpriced 'health' foods, etc.  

Here is what I mean by "Watch what you eat," and I hope this will be the idea that comes to mind when you hear that phrase from now on.  Watch what your mind, heart, and soul are consuming!  Our mind, heart, and soul are fed by the music we listen to, the tv shows and movies we watch, the social media sites we visit, and more.  What are you feeding your innermost being with?  One of the most life changing things I did was to stop listening to popular music!  I have found that I am very sensitive to messages about life and how I feel about myself when that message is accompanied by music.  Changing the music I listen too was the first thing that helped me to start breaking free from the chains of depression.  It wasn't easy!  I decided to try to listen to a Christian radio station called Air1.  You can find a station or listen online here.  When I first started to listen to this station, I thought the music was awful.  The beats didn't seem as catchy as the popular music stations I was used to and the songs seemed quite drab to me.  However, I wanted to give it an honest shot so I forced myself to listen to this station anytime I was driving.  It wasn't long before I had learned some of the songs and was singing along.  Once the songs became more familiar to me I enjoyed them more.  Eventually, I enjoyed them so much I began enthusiastically telling others about the great new music I had discovered!  Now I have been listening to this station for many years and I know nearly every song, except brand new ones, of course, and I will not go back to traditional 'popular' music.  Sure there are a few 'popular' songs I hear every now and then that I like, but when I do happen to hear a 'popular' station while out shopping or riding in someone else's car, I find that many of the songs drag me down and speak death rather than life into me.  My heart and soul are filled with so much encouragement, love, and peace when listening to Christian radio that the sad tales told through 'popular' music no longer satisfies me.  

Now I know some people don't hear the lyrics, their mind just filters all that out and they only hear the beat.  If that's you I suggest listening to music with no words at all, that way you can be sure that there is no subliminal messaging dragging you down.

Other people are not into music at all, but you're probably into something, video games, movies, tv shows, books, social sites, etc.  Whatever it is, do your best to guard your heart, mind, and soul by watching things that will help lift you up rather than drag you down.  I know this is easier said than done and it is still a big struggle for me too.

Suggestion #2 - Seek the root 

In my experience depression and self-hate are symptoms of some kind of misunderstanding or damage done in the past, not the actual problem themselves.  That means focusing on the depression/self-hate is not going to solve the problem.  The root of the problem must be found.  It may be one problem or a whole bunch of problems, but until the actual roots are destroyed the symptoms will live on.  For example, after several years and many emotional discussions with my boyfriend, he was able to help me discover the root of my depression was the fact that I believed being happy was a bad thing.  This was not something I remembered right away and it took a long time for me to recall this bad seed that was planted in my mind as a child.  Once this root was found I saw it for the lie it was and it no longer held me captive.  I was free to be happy.  I realize that may be a mild example, but it was devastating for me. For years I lived dragging myself down, calling myself all kinds of nasty names, anytime I felt I had been happy for too long.  This was a habit and I couldn't recall where it came from or how it started until I was questioned about it so intently that I was forced to look back and back into my past and discovered where this behavior originated.  You may need to seek some counseling if you don't have a trusted non-judgemental friend who can help with this. 

Suggestion #3 - Prayer

The Creator of the Universe, Jesus Christ, fully understands the pain one feels due to depression and self-loathing.  When I realized this fact, I realized I was not alone.  One of the worst things about depression is the thought that nobody understands how you feel and that you're alone, trapped in the confines of your own mind.  Well, thanks be to God that is not true!  I was in a great pit of despair one day, at the end of my rope, and didn't know where to turn for help.  In desperation, I went to the local Church.  As I sat there the story of Jesus' agony before He was arrested to be crucified came to mind.  I remembered how He was so upset He was sweating blood.  That's when Jesus revealed to me that He understood my pain because He had experienced it Himself.  This knowledge was a huge game changer for me.  To have someone understand me, meant the world to me.  That's why I highly encourage you not to run from Jesus when you feel depressed, but to run to him!  He is not going to condemn you, He wants to comfort and console you. He wants to heal your broken heart no matter what you have done.  He understands it all and He truly wants to help you.  You don't have to say anything, or you can simply admit you don't know what to do and ask Him to save you from yourself and your depression.  

Finally

If you can do these three things, avoid things that drag you down spiritually and emotionally, really discover what the cause of your feelings are, and surrender it to Jesus, you can be free of depression.  You can begin to live as a prince or a princess in Christ. You can begin to love yourself because you are loved by God.  Don't give up, realize you are probably not strong enough to overcome this yourself you need God's power and strength to lift you up.  Support from friends and family is helpful, but if you don't have those don't worry, God's strength is enough.  Just admit simply, "Jesus I can not do this, please help me." then be open to His help.  For anyone reading this who is in a tough place right now, I pray that you will be healed of your afflictions and may shine brightly as beautiful person you are.  In Jesus name, Amen.

Advice from an Abalone

The other day I was visiting an aquarium where they had an abalone tank.  I had never seen a live abalone before and someone who loves slugs and snails of all kinds I was not impressed by the abalone.  It had a rather ugly shell and it seemed to be lacking the little eye stalks most snail like creatures have.

not my pic this is from google images

To me the abalone looked like a big black blob filling a shell. 

Last night I had a dream about swimming in the ocean and I found an empty abalone shell.  It was beautiful and pink inside.  It's the inside of an abalone shell is the beautiful part and each one is unique.  

not my pic

Although the outside of an abalone is unimpressive and rather ugly the inside is beautiful. 

I think this is like us sometimes.  Many people do not like the way they look on the outside, but on the inside they may be beautiful or in some cases someone may have gone to great lengths to be beautiful on the outside, but they have never worked on their inside.  The abalone shows us that true beauty is on the inside, but that beauty is only revealed when the abalone has died. 

All of us will die someday and when we do our inside will be revealed before God.  How much did we love?  Did we try to be kind, patient, generous?  These are the kinds of things that help our insides become beautiful.  Our inside beauty can far outweigh our outside beauty which fades away with time.

We can beautiful inside and outside, unlike an abalone, but it is the inside that matters more, because what we do on the inside lasts forever.  So remember to learn from the abalone and spend at least as much time working on your inside as you do your outside if not more. 

A few Pics from E3 2015

Kauai Wildlife

One of my favorite things about traveling is discovering new kinds of plants and animals.  Or just seeing some wildlife I don't see in my normal day to day life.  It never ceases to amaze me all of the beautiful and wonderful creatures God has made.

The following are some wildlife pictures from my recent visit to the island Kauai in Hawaii.  I'm not going to mention the fish or sea turtles, because I wrote all about that in my post about snorkeling so check that out if you're interested in sea life. 

Farm Animals

The most common animals I tend to see are farm animals.  Kauai was no except and had, cow, pigs, goats, sheep, horses, and chickens. 

One of the cool things about the horses was that often times they were tied up to the outside of the fence along the road.  I guess that way they could eat all the tall grass along the road. 

Chickens and roosters were not only kept in pens by the locals, but also roamed the entire island free.  They liked to congregate at the tourist attractions looking for handouts no doubt, but they could even be heard or spotted when back in remote forest trails.  

One thing I learned about roosters is that they crow all throughout the day not just in the morning.

Parking Lot Chickens

Jungle Rooster

Reptiles & Amphibians

The most common reptile I saw in Kauai were lizards.  There were several different varieties.  Some were green and some were brown.

Some did a cool neck thing where their neck expanded which had red on it.

In addition to lizards there were geckos.  I didn't see them as much as the lizards though.  

Lastly in the amphibian department I saw one lovely forest toad.  There we some other toads, but sadly they were smashed on the road.  

Mammals

The most common mammal as far as I could tell was the elusive... feral cat! LOL

But the island also had deer, wild pigs, and wild goats.  I saw three wild pigs, two brown ones and one gray one.  However, I didn't get a picture of them cause they were too fast!  My sister got one though!

Taken by my sister not me.

I also got to see one of the highly endangered Hawaii Monk Seals! 

According to a sign posted they estimate there are only about 1,500 left in the wild. Because of that, its a crime to harm them and they post these warning signs around them when ever one shows up on the beach.

Birds

Apart from the chickens which were by far the most common bird on the island, there were many different kinds of beautiful little song birds.

There were also the Hawaii State bird the Hawaiian Goose or Nene.

The interesting thing about Nene is that they build their nests in holes in the ground under bushes and they guard the entrances.  They sounded like angry cats growling when you got near them!  At first we thought they were just more feral cats, but then realized it was the geese! 

One of the most beautiful birds on the island were these white birds with long tails called koa'e kea.  I didn't get any good pictures of them but here is a mountain side covered with them.

All the the little white specks on the mountain are these birds! They looked very Jurassic to me with their long tails.  They also just seemed to love to fly in very picturesque areas such as a water fall we visited which made them appear even more beautiful!  

One of the funniest bird to watch was this Sandpiper type bird.

This little fella was doing an excellent job of snatching small crabs from the rocks for dinner, but having a hard time keeping out of the waves!  Twice he almost few right at me trying to avoid the waves.  It's kind of hard to see but I caught him in action here.

Insects

So one of the most common insects on the island was the mosquito unfortunately!  At least I assume so because of the bug bites! LOL! However, there were some other cool sighting as well.  Including this interesting looking spider!  We found this guy hanging out in our back yard!

There were also bees.  Regular honey bees and some big black carpenter bees.

I saw this random weird little bug on this lovely flower.  I don't know what it is though.

Lastly my favorite insect were these gigantic snails!  I thought we had big snails in California, but these ones were much larger! 

Top view to show off the whole twisty shell

Snails close up

Crustacean

Lastly I just want to point out that there were some really cool crabs that I really enjoyed watching too.  There were big black ones and tiny sand colored ones.  They were all enjoyable to watch as they tried to eat while waves were crashing down on them every few seconds.  The tiny sand ones made holes in the sand and would pop out all paranoid every few seconds then hide again!

Farewell for now!

Seeing Others with God's Glasses

Last night I had a dream that I got a new job.  In the dream I went to work a few days and was getting everything organized and learning the ropes.  Everything seemed to be going well.  Then I took one day off.  When I came back I found my workspace in disarray.  Everything on my desk had fallen over or off the desk, there were boxes and even discarded luggage on the floor all around my work area.  I set to work trying to tidy the area but realized this was not what I came to work to do, I needed to do the job I was hired for.

Coworker 1
At that point a woman came into the room.  It was a woman I know from my job in real life who is very kind an helpful HR person at my real life job.  In the dream she was a secretary of sorts and I sensed she was the person you talk to if you need help.  She brought several other people with her a to help her move the baggage and boxes lying around to another room.  I tried to ask her for help explaining that it was going to be difficult for me to do my job when I come back from one day off and everything is in disarray.  When I finished explaining the situation she looked at me and said, "Oh yea? Well I have my own problems," and she went off into a some long winded explanation about some difficulty she was having. 

Coworker 2
At this point I took off walking around the office pushing my chair.  I'm not sure why actually, maybe I was looking for additional help or just trying to get my bearings in the new office.  I observed all the different people with their different roles within this company.  I saw all kinds of people from high school kids in school uniforms, to a group of nuns.  As I was passing by new people interviewing for a position at the office I was amused to see they needed to demonstrate their roller skating abilities as part of the interview process.  As I passed by a group of these interviewees I heard them speaking as if they did not like this company and would try to just get by with the minimum if they were hired.  I thought to myself I would not hire them with that kind of an attitude.  At some point a girl began walking beside me at a feverish pace.  She was quite troubled and began trying to explain the troubles she had working here.  She didn't really have anything specific to say, but only spoke in generalities with an overall negative attitude.  Before I could even think of how to respond to her she was gone.

Coworker 3
Now it was time for a office meeting.  Everyone gathered together for a meeting.  I don't remember what it was about, but after the meeting I walked up to the front to ask the person in charge a question.  There were many other people crowded around this lady who had been doing the talking. I tried to make my way to her, but she began talking to a man in a loud voice that was clearly meant to be heard by all around her, and she and the man were reciting some sort of rehearsed conversation that seemed to be part of the meeting we had just attended.  I got the impression that this woman was very false and it would be difficult to tell if she was even speaking the truth because she seemed to be prepared with false positive language meant to motivate others into action.  I gave up my attempt to speak with her.

Coworker 2... again
Now I had grown rather discouraged.  I wasn't sure how I would manage to do my job.  There was no one to train, or help me and I had a developed a rather negative outlook on the company due to the interactions with others I had met up to this point.  I sat down on some sort of resting bench cushion thing.  As I sat there the negative girl who had spoken to me earlier came and sat beside me.  Once again she went off in a frenzy of words that I can not recall and was gone as fast as she came.

Coworker 4
A boy came and sat beside me next.  He seemed to be a teenager or very early twenties.  Rather than sitting calmly he cringed and writhed unable to sit still twisting into awkward positions.  Anxiously and with much anguish he explained that he had so much work to do he didn't know how he would ever get it done in time.  He said that he had finished just one task and when he looked again at the list of tasks he needed to do he had seven new ones in the time it took to finish just one.  He was in so much agony over this I tried to calm him by resting my hand on him to comfort him, but he jerked away in a panic spouting out something about how he wouldn't hurt anyone and he was gentle, saying it over and over like an attempt to convince himself.  He literally twisted and fell off the bench at this point writhing away from me as I tired to explain all he needed to do was focus on his most important task first and when that one was finished start on the next one.  He was lurking off and I called after him again in a finally attempt that he might hear me, "Just focus on the most important task first!"

Coworker 5
Next a teen girl came and sat beside me. She had a bubbly personality and as she was attempting to start a conversation with me when a teen boy came up behind her.  As she tried to speak, the boy kept dodging from left to right behind her in an attempt to grab her attention and make her laugh.  The girl became very distracted, flirting playful with the boy, and no longer attempted to speak to me.  It was as if I was not there.

At this point I woke up.  I woke with with the thought in my mind that this is a tiny glimpse into the way God feels when we bring Him our problems and difficulties in pray, but we don't stay long enough to listen for an answer or to receive love and grace from Him to help us with our struggles.

Coworker 1 - had so many problems of her own she could not listen to God's plans and desires he had for her.

Coworker 2 - had a negative attitude and restless anxious demeanor and could not stay in God's presence long enough to even begin to receive any assistance.  She never gave Him the chance.

Coworker 3 - was too busy and had her own agenda that was so deeply ingrained she never allowed herself to enter into God's presence.

Coworker 4 - was filled with anxiety, guilt, and despair, and seemed revolted by God's presence and would not allow Him to comfort him or give him advice.

Coworker 5 - attempted to talk to God, but was easily distracted by the world and soon forgot God was present. 

Now in the dream I was myself, that is to say, I had my body, but I did not react to the people in the dream the way I would in real life.  It wasn't until I woke that my first thought maybe God was trying to give me a glimpse of how He sees people.  So lets imagine it was like I was wearing God glasses, kind of seeing it though His perspective.

Coworker 1 - I did not feel any anger or resentment toward her despite her inability to listen to me I only felt as if I would get no where talking to her so I should leave and wait and perhaps try again later.  (I do not think God ever leaves us, but the waiting part I think is important.  Perhaps God waits on us to be ready to listen to what He has to say.)

Coworker 2 - I felt like this girl was in such a frenzy I had no opportunity to speak to her or get to know her.  Almost as soon as she arrived she was gone again.

Coworker 3 - I sensed this woman was very false like she was living a made up life where she acts happy and in-control, but it is not really true.  However, I felt like there was nothing I could do for her because she was too busy living the false life she had created.

Coworker 4 - I was not disgusted by this boy's behavior.  I felt pity for him and wanted to comfort him, and help him.   As he was ranting that he wouldn't hurt anybody, I remember thinking that of course he wouldn't hurt anyone, why would he even think this, this poor boy could not hurt fly.  He was like a helpless child in need of much love and care, but unwilling to accept it because of the way he saw himself and his situation.

Coworker 5 - I did not attempt to regain this girl's attention when she became distracted by the boy behind her.  It was as if I was waiting very patiently for her to realize and remember I was there.  I was not angry, or even annoyed, I just waiting thinking surly she would stop being distracted soon and remember I was there.

This dream gave me insight into how I act toward God, and also how I see other people.  Who will you be this day?  Will you be like one of these 5 Coworkers? Or will take time to listen to what God has to say and receive the comfort and blessing He wants to give you in this day?

A few Pics from E3 2014