 | |
| Mary and Jesus from the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception |
Some years ago I was living a life in a state known as Spiritually Dead. Of course did not know it at the time and it is only in retrospect that I am able to recognize the signs and symptoms of this death. Growing up as cradle Catholic and the oldest of five children I had unknowingly adopted several falsehoods as truth. Some of which lead me into this condition others which caused different problems which I may have to write about at a different time.
Falsehood #1
People have to Earn their way into Heaven
As the oldest child I always had an incredibly strong desire to do the right thing. I can remember a little orange good deed bracelet I received as a child with moveable beads you are supposed to move to count the good deeds you did throughout the day. It was tool to teach children the concept of being good to others, but this tool and other such lessons cause me to grasp onto the idea that I had to good in order to obtain a reward, the reward being Heaven. Even though this idea is false, it actually helped me later in life when I was Spiritually Dead because I still insisted on attending Mass every Sunday even though I was sinning in other ways I didn't want to miss Mass as I recognized that to be a grave sin and I still had the desire to make it into Heaven someday.
Truth: Jesus Died for all people's sins so that all would have the chance to get to Heaven because of His grace and mercy not because of anything we have done or not done.
Our job is to say yes and receive the gift of His grace and mercy then prove our "yes" by loving God and others. We show/prove this love by following God's commandments and by getting to know Him (aka praying) and trusting Him. This is know as Faith and Works.
Falsehood #2
As long as you don't have sex you're fine (speaking to the unmarried)
As cradle Catholic I got the vast majority of my understanding of the faith from the once a week religious education classes I attended. Unfortunately I don't have many fond memories of these classes. I can remember being shamed in front of the class because I failed to make the sign of the cross the correct way and I can remember many seemingly countless talks revolving around the topic of "don't have sex." As an awkward insecure teenage girl all I would do is tune out a think about what a waste of time the class was because obviously no boy would ever even like me as I was far to ugly to have to worry about such things. Plus I had already made up my mind a long time ago that if, by some remote unlikely chance, I ever did have a boyfriend I would tell him that we would not be having sex in our relationship unless we got married of course.
Several years later in collage I met my boyfriend. My obedient side remembered my long ago pledge and with much nervousness and the almost 100% certainty that this would end the relationship I told him after only a week or so that we would not be having any sex and if he didn't like that he was free to leave. Of course it was said with much less confidence than I'm writing here now! To my amazement he said that was fine and he even expected that. Months went by and as we grew closer our relationship did become more physical in fact very physical, but we did not have sex. The problem was no one had ever told me there were other things couples could do besides having sex. I was quite naive to this, but as I learned of it I began to suspect it was not something we should be doing outside of marriage. By the time I realized the wrongness of our behavior we had formed some very destructive habits. Our Lady of Fatima (An apparition of Mary to 3 young children in Fatima) said "More souls go to hell for sins of the flesh than for any other reason." The falsehood I had grown up with was that the only sins of the flesh was having sex outside of marriage or having sex with someone other than your spouse once you were married. I did not know there were other sins of the flesh such as pornography, masturbation, fondling, oral sex, etc. some of which I had fallen into. I say fallen into because it feels much like I feel into them, but the problem is once I realized it was wrong I still continued the wrong behavior. Why? Because these sins are highly addictive and can seem right, even loving, when in truth they are wrong.
Several years later in collage I met my boyfriend. My obedient side remembered my long ago pledge and with much nervousness and the almost 100% certainty that this would end the relationship I told him after only a week or so that we would not be having any sex and if he didn't like that he was free to leave. Of course it was said with much less confidence than I'm writing here now! To my amazement he said that was fine and he even expected that. Months went by and as we grew closer our relationship did become more physical in fact very physical, but we did not have sex. The problem was no one had ever told me there were other things couples could do besides having sex. I was quite naive to this, but as I learned of it I began to suspect it was not something we should be doing outside of marriage. By the time I realized the wrongness of our behavior we had formed some very destructive habits. Our Lady of Fatima (An apparition of Mary to 3 young children in Fatima) said "More souls go to hell for sins of the flesh than for any other reason." The falsehood I had grown up with was that the only sins of the flesh was having sex outside of marriage or having sex with someone other than your spouse once you were married. I did not know there were other sins of the flesh such as pornography, masturbation, fondling, oral sex, etc. some of which I had fallen into. I say fallen into because it feels much like I feel into them, but the problem is once I realized it was wrong I still continued the wrong behavior. Why? Because these sins are highly addictive and can seem right, even loving, when in truth they are wrong.
 |
| St. Kilian's Catholic Church |
Sign of Spiritual Death #1
Rationalization
The first Sign of Spiritual Death is Rationalization. This is like big red Stop sign that happens before your soul actually dies. (note: your soul is eternal and can not actually die what I mean by spiritual death is when your soul is cut off from God who is Life.) Rationalization generally follows guilt. In general people do not like the feeling of guilt, but guilt is like an alarm in your soul telling you you've just opened a door that you should not open. Often when we ignore this alarm and continue through the door and down the hall beyond, we begin rationalizing.
For me when I was heading down the path to Spiritual Death I would say things to myself such as "well at least I didn't do that" thinking of something worse than what I had just done. Then, when next time rolled around and I did the thing I had previously said at least I didn't do... I would say again, "well at least I didn't do that." Because we can always think of something worse than the sins we are currently committing. But each time we rationalize we are taking a step in the wrong direction.
Any time we feel a temptation to rationalize our actions and compare them to others whom we consider to be doing worse things when we are we should stop, turn around, and compare ourselves to Jesus and Mary. If we look at what's bad we will walk toward it. If we look at what's good we will toward that. If you're rationalizing any behavior in your life it's a warning alerting you to the fact that you need to make some kind of change in your life. This can be very difficult to accept, but I'll get into what to do a little later.
Sign of Spiritual Death #2
Intense Self Loathing (fear of being alone)
We are made for God. To love and be loved by God. When we offend God by our sins we can become disgusted with ourselves.
Growing up I always had self esteem problems, but during the time in my life when I was living in Spiritual Death I felt more hate for myself than I ever have. I had a great desire to escape from myself a feeling as though I was trapped and death looked like an escape, a way to be free from this strange suffocating feeling. It was very unclear to me as to why I felt this way and it was worse when I was alone, because then I would have time to think. Of course when I would think I would begin to think about what I had done wrong and I would rationalize my actions again, or I would begin tearing myself down from the inside out saying I deserved to feel this way.
Growing up I always had self esteem problems, but during the time in my life when I was living in Spiritual Death I felt more hate for myself than I ever have. I had a great desire to escape from myself a feeling as though I was trapped and death looked like an escape, a way to be free from this strange suffocating feeling. It was very unclear to me as to why I felt this way and it was worse when I was alone, because then I would have time to think. Of course when I would think I would begin to think about what I had done wrong and I would rationalize my actions again, or I would begin tearing myself down from the inside out saying I deserved to feel this way.
Self hate is not natural. We were not created to hate ourselves and it is a lie to think that we are unlovable. Evey person is lovable.
Sign of Spiritual Death #3
Avoiding what is Holy
John 3:20-21 "And indeed, everybody who does wrong hates the light and avoids it, to prevent his actions from being shown up; but whoever does the truth comes out into the light, so that what he is doing may plainly appear as done in God."When I was Spiritually Dead things of God became the enemy. The Church became a place of rules and regulations that only wanted to make life hard for me. Confession became a frighting thing for sinners much worse of then myself and it should be avoided. People that were very kind or very happy became weirdos who obviously had some kind of problem and were only pretending to be kind and welcoming because nobody really acts that way right?
If religious people or genuinely happy people seem repulsive or fake to us, it's a clear sign that we are living in darkness.
The Church and her Sacraments including Confession are where God heals us and strengthens us. If the Church seems like something to be avoided it's a clear sign you've been deceived by yourself and or the devil.
Sign of Spiritual Death #4
Inability to Comprehend God
The thing that has impacted me the most when it comes to understanding that Spiritual Death (aka being cut off from God) is real is the insight I gained about a real inability to comprehend God.
When I was living a life of Spiritual Death I continued to attend Mass every week because I still had the desire to follow the rules and hopefully earn my way into Heave even though I was not living a good life. During this time the Mass was a place of sorrow and confusion for me. I would often return from Mass either in tears or upset that nothing they said there made any sense.
There were about three or four different priests at the Church I attended and you never knew which one would be there on any given Sunday. I remember one priest in particular I despised because he never spoke clearly when he gave his homilies. He always used big complicated words just showing off how smart he was instead of actually trying to help people and use language everyone could understand. Years latter, after I had been freed from Spiritual Death and was living in the state of grace once more, I was sitting at Mass one Sunday and this same priest, whom I had despised, was presiding. As he finished the homily I realized I was smiling and nodding and agreeing with everything he said. Then it dawned on me, this priest had not changed. The way he spoke, the words he used, the way he explained things had not changed. This priest had likely been preaching the same way ever since he first became a priest. He had not changed, I had changed. I once had criticized his preaching and teaching as if he had a problem, now I was nodding and agreeing and quite enjoying what he had to say. Spiritual Death had literally caused me to be unable to comprehend words about God.
This realization was huge for me. I had heard it said that sin cuts us off from God, but what does that mean? I now understood that sin literally causes us to be unable to know God. Our minds can not perceive Him. It's like trying to explain the complexities of Trigonometry to a newborn baby. The baby can not even comprehend words at this point so explaining trigonometry to him would be a waste of time. Someone deep in sin and Spiritually Dead can not comprehend the realities of God or the soul because these things can only be comprehended when God Himself makes them known to us. If we are cut off from God then we will not allow God to reveal Himself to us. If it sounds like a a bunch of gibberish when someone speaks of God that is a good sign you may be living in Spiritual Death, assuming the person really isn't speaking gibberish of course ha ha!
The Truth Shall Set You Free
I've written a lot about how to tell if you're Spiritual Dead because when I was Spirituality Dead I did not know it. If any or all of the four signs above are present in your live there is hope!
They tell alcoholics in Alcoholics Anonymous the first step to being freed from their addiction is admitting there is a problem. That they are powerless over alcohol and their lives have become unmanageable. Believe it or not, becoming drunk is a sin, and this method of admitting you are powerless over this sin and there is a problem works for all the other sins too.
When I was trying to overcome my addiction to sexual type impurity I tired it on my own. I told myself well I just have to be tough I have to strong I can resist as long as I try hard enough. WRONG! We can not break free from the bonds of sin ourselves. It is impossible. You may say to yourself impossible for you maybe, but I can do it. I have much more determination and will power than you! This my friends is a lie. Once we become a slave to sin we can not break free on our own. The only way we can be made free is by allowing God to free us! Remember He died so that He could do just that, free us from our sins.
I remember one night. I had tried everything I could think of. I had tried being tough, having my own strong self discipline. I had even tried going to Confession. Nothing had worked. I still continued to fall into sin. On this night I prayed to God and I said, "I give up. I obviously can not free myself from this sin." I said, "If You don't want me to do this sin anymore Lord, You will have to help me stop." This was genuine heartfelt cry for help kind of prayer as I had lost hope of being free from this sin and even though it pained me to continue I could not stop it. God did it. God removed the desire for this sin from my heart. When I went to Confession again I got to confess this sin for the last time. Was all temptation gone? No, but God gave me the strength overcome it because He can overcome sin when we can't. I can not say that I became free of sin on my own or boost that I overcame it somehow, because I did not. I had to admit that I could not do it, then allow God to overcome it for me. That is how it works. To be free we must admit how small and unable we are to free ourselves then allow God to free us.
Once we allow God to free us from these big mortal sins that bind us, steal our joy, cause us to hate ourselves and others, we can start walking toward God. Keep your eyes on God not on others. If you allow Him to God will reveal many other smaller way in which you can improve your life and become more pleasing to Him. This is not about earning your way into Heaven this is about loving God by striving to please Him. It is good to remember how small we are in comparison to God and to remember that any good thing we manage to do is only because we actually allowed God to work through us. Just as a husband and wife become one flesh in the marital embrace we should strive to become one with God by allowing Him to dwell within us and work through us. That is love. That is the goal. Living a life of Spiritual Life is much more rewarding than living a life of Spiritual Death. Remember though that Spiritual Life comes from God without Him we will walk toward death rather than life.
They tell alcoholics in Alcoholics Anonymous the first step to being freed from their addiction is admitting there is a problem. That they are powerless over alcohol and their lives have become unmanageable. Believe it or not, becoming drunk is a sin, and this method of admitting you are powerless over this sin and there is a problem works for all the other sins too.
When I was trying to overcome my addiction to sexual type impurity I tired it on my own. I told myself well I just have to be tough I have to strong I can resist as long as I try hard enough. WRONG! We can not break free from the bonds of sin ourselves. It is impossible. You may say to yourself impossible for you maybe, but I can do it. I have much more determination and will power than you! This my friends is a lie. Once we become a slave to sin we can not break free on our own. The only way we can be made free is by allowing God to free us! Remember He died so that He could do just that, free us from our sins.
I remember one night. I had tried everything I could think of. I had tried being tough, having my own strong self discipline. I had even tried going to Confession. Nothing had worked. I still continued to fall into sin. On this night I prayed to God and I said, "I give up. I obviously can not free myself from this sin." I said, "If You don't want me to do this sin anymore Lord, You will have to help me stop." This was genuine heartfelt cry for help kind of prayer as I had lost hope of being free from this sin and even though it pained me to continue I could not stop it. God did it. God removed the desire for this sin from my heart. When I went to Confession again I got to confess this sin for the last time. Was all temptation gone? No, but God gave me the strength overcome it because He can overcome sin when we can't. I can not say that I became free of sin on my own or boost that I overcame it somehow, because I did not. I had to admit that I could not do it, then allow God to overcome it for me. That is how it works. To be free we must admit how small and unable we are to free ourselves then allow God to free us.
Once we allow God to free us from these big mortal sins that bind us, steal our joy, cause us to hate ourselves and others, we can start walking toward God. Keep your eyes on God not on others. If you allow Him to God will reveal many other smaller way in which you can improve your life and become more pleasing to Him. This is not about earning your way into Heaven this is about loving God by striving to please Him. It is good to remember how small we are in comparison to God and to remember that any good thing we manage to do is only because we actually allowed God to work through us. Just as a husband and wife become one flesh in the marital embrace we should strive to become one with God by allowing Him to dwell within us and work through us. That is love. That is the goal. Living a life of Spiritual Life is much more rewarding than living a life of Spiritual Death. Remember though that Spiritual Life comes from God without Him we will walk toward death rather than life.
 |
| From the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception |
Life After Death
Once the Lord helped me return to Spiritual Life my life changed for the better. Some of the key points being:
Confession
I no longer have to rationalize, if I find myself rationalizing something I can now recognize it as a bad sign and stop destructive behaviors before they become ingrained. This is primary achieved by going to Confession once a month. Confession is a priority. Even if I do not feel like I need to go or I can only think of one or two sins, I still go. Confession is a wellspring of grace where the Lord cleanses my soul and helps me remain close to God.
Self love
I now recognize that God loves me. If God loves me it is insulting to God to speak badly about myself. I strive to avoid speaking badly about myself and I'm also tying to learn to stop speaking badly about others, which is currently a work in progress for me.
Loving what is Holy
I have found that I now greatly enjoy Mass. When I attend Mass, especially on Sundays when there is all the music and all the readings and it's like a huge celebration, I will sometimes find myself in tears of joy rather than sorrow. The Mass is the one of the greatest gifts God has given us. I love it when the Mass is particularly beautiful to me and even if it's not I still believe it's good to go because it's spending an hour with the Lord who has given us so much the least we can do in return go to Mass on Sunday to be with Him and receive Him. I still go to Mass every Sunday out of obedience to God. Now, however, Mass is not a place of sorrow and confusion, but a place of knowledge, grace, and love.
Knowing God
Life is all about getting to know God. Getting to know Him takes our whole lifetime and I imagine we will continue to get to know Him for all eternity. Now that I try to live in the state of grace. (not conscious of any mortal sins) I have grown so much in knowledge and understand of what the faith teaches about how to live, and love. Before I never cared to know why I believed what I believed, but after learning there is a why to everything the Catholic Church teaches I have found is it much easier to believe. Knowing God starts in different ways such as being drawn to the Love of God, or the Justice of God, or the Beauty of God. I was drawn in by love from my youth, was saved by God's mercy when in sin, and grew to love God more with knowledge of His plan for humanity and His Church.
I still have a long way to go, but I am thankful for God for how far He has brought me, and I'm sure He can do the same for you too!
No comments:
Post a Comment